Goodbye to the Okay

"Goodbye to the Okay"

I am not okay.
And in my silence,
there are so many unspoken words
running through my head.
So many feelings and pains
and thoughts and slashes of colour
that I don’t know how to translate.
Like I’m feeling in a foreign language.
How do I tell my loved ones
that I’m worried I might die today,
when all my mind is doing is spinning
loops around the noose and tightening my last breath?
When all I can think of is black, red, and ocean blue,
suffocating in the feeling of claustrophobic panic
that ebbs into nothingness and then roars back
like it’s a wave that forgot to say goodbye to the shore.

I've always felt as though I can't translate my emotions. Even when I love someone enough to let them in and tell them how I'm doing in an honest and open way, the words just escape me. It's all colours, shapes, and symbols. And I don't always know what they mean or how to print my mind onto someone else's ears. But writing allows me a personal, internal method of translation. It’s always there for me. Even when things get tough, it allows me to vent, to breathe, to pen my way through the bad days and come out the other side. For me, writing has always been my saviour. It’s not only a light in the dark, but a distraction. Sometimes I’m venting my feelings onto paper, other times I’m creating worlds and people who will always have a space for me. Things won’t always be great. And not every day will be a good one. But my pen and paper will always be on my bedside, waiting for me with open arms. I #LivetoTell my emotions. To be able to create a way in which my loved ones can understand me without me struggling to communicate them. Everyone's story is different, but everyone's is silent at some point or another. Words break the silence.

Freida Kilmari

Author

About the Author

Freida Kilmari is a published poet from southwest England who writes mostly about mental health struggles, but she has, more recently, delved into feminism as well. She lives with her husband and loves to bake, watch anime, read sappy romance novels, and write in her favourite local spots.

Freida Kilmari is the author of ‘Dear Anxiety’ and ‘Man VS Happiness’. But she’s also been published by Advaitum Speaks Literary (2017), The Poetry Society (2012), Writers Assembled (2018), Erin Croker’s ‘Rejected’ anthology (2020), and The Red Penguin Collection (2021). Freida Kilmari is hoping to debut two new collections soon: ‘Note to Self’ and ‘Relapse in Requiem’. Both of which you can look out for by joining her Facebook group: Kilmari’s Keep.