Chynna shares her story to assure others that not being okay is perfectly okay, and with support and community it does get better. From an early age, Chynna knew that she always had to play a role to meet expectations in many facets of her life. At home, she was the oldest of five and felt responsibilities that came with that. At school, her blackness was looked at as a personality with few opportunities to share her deeper self. At church, her family was viewed as perfect and she was expected to maintain that image while being endlessly grateful and unquestioning. She learned very early on that she was required to meet all of the expectations that came from these roles, and she couldn’t be her authentic self. But there was always one exception to that: dance. Dance for Chynna quickly turned from being “just a hobby” and something that she was good at, to becoming a place to feel emotionally safe and free from pleasing everyone else. It was somewhere she was always accepted for the many different parts of herself.
In middle school, Chynna was excited to go to a more diverse school but felt herself struggling. Because of her mixed-race background, she didn’t feel like she belonged with any one group of students and she was bullied. Now, even more than before, Chynna felt misunderstood, and unaccepted, and that she couldn’t possibly meet everyone’s expectations. She felt stuck, sad, and lonely. Eventually, the pressure of trying to fulfill all of these roles, combined with feeling extremely misunderstood, caused Chynna to experience depression and anxiety. She struggled to eat, wanted to be in bed all day, and had worries she couldn’t quiet. The bullying was taking its toll on her. When she did eventually reach out for support, she was told she was being dramatic, but then told to stand up to her bully in an aggressive way and let the other kids know not to mess with her. Going against her gentle nature, she did as she was told, but it felt like another role to play in order to please those around her. Her emotional distress increased.
Entering high school, Chynna was excited to participate in sports and clubs. She was busy all the time and this helped her to be out of the house, away from the fighting and caretaker role of eldest child. Despite being busy and successful, her friendships were struggling and adults saw her as someone with a lot of drama, often telling her to “fix her face.” She learned to compartmentalize her feelings and use these many activities both as a support for structure and consistency, and also as a distraction from the things she could not change. What kept her going was one supportive teacher who gave her a safe space to be herself; she looked forward to the future.
At college she was met with a community and sisterhood that seemed to truly care about her. She was still dancing and making new friends. She attended many workshops and she felt that those around her on campus wanted to support her, all of her. But even with this accepting community, Chynna struggled. The pressure of trying to show up in every area of her life would eventually cause her to develop panic attacks. On top of that, problems within her home life would drastically impact her. Chynna eventually turned to substance abuse to avoid all the calamity that was happening in her life. She began feeling more and more hopeless and unloved. Desperate to be free from her emotional pain, Chynna attempted to end her life. Thankfully, Chynna’s story doesn’t end there.
Chynna’s story is one of overcoming. After her attempt, she was able to finally choose herself and seek the help she knows she deserves. Even though she was unable to control the cards dealt to her in her life, she tells a story of eventually choosing to control how she plays them. Chynna is now surrounded by so many people who care and support her. She maintains her wellness by continuing to go to therapy, utilizing many coping skills, as well as dancing and being okay with whatever feelings come up when they do.
Chynna is is based in Philadelphia, PA. In-person speaking engagements beyond 90 miles may require a fee for travel expenses.
